little murmurs inside my head .. (constantly)

tonight I finally hear the words that deep within, one that I indeed wanna hear .
tho’ from the most unexpected guest, (esp. from him) it has always been HARSH stuff but as long as its the REALITY I never mind ‘em coming out right at me

“(guys) No one will ever wait” .. for you

Initially thought may be an easy thing to move on. But I once heard Jean said “if the feeling’s there for < 4 months, its a crush. However, IF its > that, it’s ♥”.
tho’ I may not get it; what exactly love is at this point in time, but I do believe I’ve fallen hard this time.

I kept reminding myself “its ok .. It’s ok!! I’ll be able to manage”. daddy’s daughter, nth’s impossible!

Truthfully, all this while I’m indeed the one who keep pushing/telling others to “Face the Reality”!! Conversely, why at this state, this sounds so unfamiliar to me?
Why do I find myself constantly escaping from this, the inability to face things that’s right in front of me?!! Why, why .. why is this SOOOOO??!!

how I wish, if only ‘moving on (from_him)’ was this easy ..

PS. the individual’s getting engaged soon.

its ok .. I will move on! I’ll be able to find a better someone. Its all just a matter of time!

it does not matter .

 *with teary* Nights guys! 

why do I feel like a night owl so much lately ..

nvr understand ‘why can’t I fall asleep before 12am, like I used to?’
Lately, my average falling asleep time’s been 3am in the morning, whereas waking up time’s approx 11am.. 
I know its this bad; its never a great news, neither am I proud of it

the thought & feel of neither committed to STUDIES nor WORK (*reads* wake-up call/time window to awake & sleep) is indeed a drag for a workaholic like me.
I admit, call me nerd (tho’ I don’t read as much) but I’m no doubt a WORKAHOLIC. I do work all day, but yet with 3 meals (or more a day). Truly, the kind that ‘no work would bore me out’.

I just can never comprehend what daddy & mummy wants of me. But maybe one day I will; I’m slowly getting used to this.
Initially thought that I could indeed PROVE myself, that I have the ability to go out & get a job by October, but once again I put the failure upon myself; minor-operation has to be scheduled-in during mid-Nov. (according to surgeon’s schedule, ain’t my say)!! 

feels like I always disappoint myself much. but on the brighter side of things, I should indeed think of it this way “all I’ve got (right now) is time. It’s never too late to be out there working! alongside aware that ‘time awaits for no one’. But if I’m somebody (or meant to show my potential in designated area), I will be able to do it one day!” Thus maybe today’s just not the right day/timing.

its ok ..

more on updates soon!
Good night world!  

seriously,

one of the MOST STUPIDESTTTTTT ppl in this world that I’ve come across thus far is indeed one that’s closest, I’ve been trained-out from, also one whom I used to look up upon most (but no longer/not much now) ; namely my DAD!!

as stubborn as one could get, no matter how much effort we’ve tried putting in; he never gets it
Unsure if he’ll regret this decision; my instincts tell me that he for sure will one day ..

Few years back (when bro started working with daddy), he mentioned the phrase “the most stupidest human being to be living on planet Earth is indeed our dad!”
I never believed so back then. Indeed I forced myself not wanting to believe the statement.
But not till today, I realised that it’s not wholly due to bro’s STRESS working under daddy, but he indeed is one.

Fairly disappointed; he’d rather opt for more $$$ (since its much more liquid) in contrast to a PROPERTY !!!!!!
in my thoughts, I’m aware that $$$ is always important; anywhere, whenever. But frankly, eff-ing seriously when one has earned enough, “does he/she seriously still think that it’s still much more important than rare properties??!!”

at this instance, I thought to myself “if only I had this much money, to eventually buy-up this property from dad!” Or maybe I would even go out borrowing money & pay by installments in order to keep it! (but it will be a ridic, I can nvr earn this much to pay-up)

then again what khor mentioned may be right. That the current money belongs to daddy, thus since I’m still under him I’m not supposed to have a say in these. Also maybe I haven’t felt the taste of earning $$$, thus would nvr understand how businessmen like daddy think; it’s indeed really difficult to earn large sums of $$$, hence liquidity is significantly important.

  *hates the feeling of seeing smth bad coming along the way, yet I can never do a single bit*

its ok; let it be, let it go ..
life may seem simpler that way 

(back to where I begin)

I’ve finally regain my SENSES.

Should start diverting my focus to PRIORITIES .

First off, 1) 15-days Europe trip (finally I satisfy my dad’s desire; the need he felt, wanting me to travel the world), 2) Attend graduation convo (back in Melbourne): unsure how long more I will be staying over, 3) Start-off with my auditor job at one of the (hopefully) Big-4 accounting firms in Penang.

SETTLED!!

Alongside, I am aiming to study CPA (all on my own, since daddy does not allow nor encourage this idea to be undertaken; he plainly does not understand the need to). Thus I will need to be more financially-prepared myself. Since I have to bear the RM500 fees all on my own each sem to sit for a paper.

Hence giving myself 3 more years, to get all this priorities done, settled, prepared & ready to achieve the dream that I’ve been yearning all this long!

. . finds the need to be a much STRONGER individual altogether .

The need to prove that “even w/out a guy partner in my life, I am still able to live all on my own”. I will prove this again to myself; back to long-way before dating when I was 18  .

. as a girl, I’m not supposed to be ‘this weak‘; I am aware!

Wish me all well !!

Cheers guys ! 

Firstly I re-named this post of mine the way its is as my journey (in Melbourne) has come to an end.
I’m therefore off flying back to home country, Penang for good in less than a day’s time.

Then again, 7 and 1/2 years being sent overseas for studying by parents I would want to thank them for their effort (though it’s not a place that I would like to be for long either; would prefer trying out places like UK or US few years later). But oh well, it’s been fated!

On the other hand, ROBOTIC in the sense I felt that “all this while, I haven’t been living ‘my’ own life”. Felt just like living for the other/others; esp. those around me; parents, family, BIGGER fam expectation, from friends, ex-bf and the lot and I find that I indeed get srutinised for every single thing that I do in my life.
But then again, I’m never afraid. Indeed I never fear anyone BUT myself!

At this point, though deep within me I strongly belief the quote “no one could make you feel inferior, but yourself”.
But at this point, I fail to do it!

Unsure, somehow I always give ppl the vibe that ‘I have nth to be fearful of, .. I acquired all the confidence that I indeed own, I can ALWAYS DO WELL all on my own; thus nvr need anyone’s help, .. and the list goes on’ and on, and on ..

But deep down to be honest, its all just a lie! I do have as much fear just as many of you ppl do. When SY told me bout her situation, I related mine to hers. Even managed to convinced her ‘not to be too fearful about what she’s going through there’. Cuz at the end of the day, I belief everyone has their very own fear as well. And after she insisted on me to tell her mine, I glad to see that she’s no longer fearful. Indeed she’s even worried/will be even fearful if she’s been in my position in the first place.
Then again, its a matter of a game! I’ll never know my results; not until 2 years’ time. Maybe then, in 10 years time I wouldn’t even have my sight!

It’s ok (.. as I profusely persuade myself silently).
I know that I’ve got WAYYY FARRR TOOO MANY explanations to do, to dear daddy & mummy as soon as I land the next two days. Seriously I’m so not looking forward to that. As I no longer have much to say. Indeed I do not wanna even discuss further about things! Ain’t running away from reality but basically I regard at this stage, in order for me to keep putting in further effort into this family of mine is purely my waste of time. Of all, I still love my brother most! i wanna ♥ my daddy & mummy but e’time they kept failing me; esp the latter (with random stuffs that hell knows where they stem from ).

2 . I’ll need to get my proposal over to dad by the time. (He’s eagerly waiting, im aware). Insisted (sooo many daunting times) on me to help out in his company. And though I know that I’m up to be confronted by “TWO-FACED” ppl (in fact most of them) in my BIGGER fam in the forthcoming months if I were to decide to go my own way, well I guess this is LIFE and I’ll need to be prepared TO LIVE MY VERY OWN freakin’ life thereafter!!

At this point, I’m indeed sick & tired and no longer wanna be in-controlled by some other; nor do I want to see my life gone to waste into the ocean.
Pls, I need to get a life myself! Indeed my time is pretty short ..

Lastly, after all these years I realised I lost most of my college mates; see that even in your group of friends itself, there are 2 kinds: 1) those who’ll always be there to support you & be by your side be it through your ups and downs & 2) those who’ll sly-ly betray you behind your back; whereby you’ll find “e’thing that happens thereafter are such an ‘coincidental(Sss)’ ” Oh well, I wish those ppl luck in trying too hard nor do I wanna get into further discussion.
I had enough and its my time to make a move.

Also I’m never a good sister. Trust me! I’m never good enough . I’m NEVER good enough for anyone out there, neither am I good enough for myself.
Yes, one of those times I’m feeling the most shitty/worst about myself yea?! Probably true. Maybe one day I’ll pick myself up again. But today is definitely not the day.

As far as I know, for sure I’ll need to get my own life, BACK ON TRACK ASAP!!
(unsure how it’s all going to turn out, but as a matter of paraphrasing from Mich, Sg. “NEVER SAY NEVER, MAKE IT WORK”!!)

Goodnight Melbourne!
my last night . 

10 days more

. . till I leave this place (forever . . ?!)

(thanks mum for reminding me THIS!) *shakes head*
 

_ _

couldn’t say much when your mummy and daddy is actually STALKING ’you‘ on Facebook; though they do not have an account themselves, but they ask ‘bi’ (youngest sis back in M’sia) to open-up her a/c and do TRANSLATION!! wtf . .  (what’s wrong with these people??!) 

→ always wise to de-active fb for the time being.

to let things cool down alil and also “I’LL NEED TO WHOLLYYYY FOCUSSS on exam revision”!!

grr .. 

Nonetheless don’t think I’m studying as hard as I think I’m doing.
1-stly) I SLEEPPP ALOTTT, 2) I EATTT ALOTTT!!

consequences of filling both your fridge with microwavable-food, liquids, fruits and cabinet shelves with LOTSAAA JUNK FOODDD; Tim Tam chocolate, Oreo-s, biscuit bites, nuts, snacks, Asians and more (you name it) ..

*hates* exam period always makes me fat!! 

_ _

kk, just gotta bear with this. 10 more days to go, till I’m done putting up with all these; exam papers and HELL!!

ta-

California King – RIHANNA

Chest to chest 
Nose to nose 
Palm to palm 
We were always just that close 
Wrist to wrist 
Toe to toe 
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose 
So how come when I reach out my finger 
It feels like more than distance between us 

In this California king bed 
We’re ten thousand miles apart 
I bet california wishing on these stars 
For your heart for me 
My Californa king 

Eye to eye 
Cheek to cheek 
Side by side 
You were sleeping next to me (. . oohhh next to me) 
Arm in arm 
Dusk to dawn 
With the curtains drawn 
And a little last night on these sheets 
So how come when I reach out my fingers 
It seems like more than distance between us 

In this California king bed 
We’re ten thousand miles apart 
I bet California wishing on the stars 
For your heart for me 
My Californa King 

Just when I felt like giving up on us 
You turned around and gave me one last touch 
That made everything feel better 
And even then my eyes got wetter 
So confused, when I asked you if you love me 
But I don’t wanna seem so weak 
Maybe I’ve been California dreaming 

In this california king bed 
We’re ten thousand miles apart 
I bet California wishing on these stars 
For your heart for me 
My Californa King 
My California King 

In this california king bed 
We’re ten thousand miles apart 
I bet california wishing on these stars 
For your heart for me 
My California King

Source: Google Lyrics

. .  i would rather her not deliver the news to me .
pretty distressing . Now that I got over, the whole pile came right at me again  .

Study, study, study SMARTT!! specs on, NERDY MODE turned on  (O.O)

offs-

” Life is too important to be taken seriously “

came across this quote when I needed to drop by Coles to get groceries in the morning

and it had certainly made my day   

thanks again for being there, when I needed you most .

i wonder when will i ever stop crying ..

such a big girl, yet for the past that has happened, the present and the future; for everything, all I know is to weep myself in the room.
w/out others knowing about it. Yet, in front of ppl, I usually tend to present ownself as such an independent person.

maybe cause that’s why. Many ppl, parents, friends and including relatives came about concluding that deep down, I have nth to fear since I’m such a strong individual.
however, they do not know that life ain’t always as easy as it all seems.
Neither did I come about realising that I’m such a cry baby until ex noted it few years ago, after being tgt for quite some time. Then only I started to realise the point of weakness lying beneath me.

Then again, life has been tough these days. Esp this year! don’t think its ever a good year for me..
Nth seems to turn out right. My new year started off w the break-up of my 3 years long-term r/ship, next comes argument w sister (which I no longer consider her as one of my family members thereon). trust me, it was huge and I would not want to get into further details into it cause it’s pointless!

next, I ain’t sure what’s to come about hitting me in the face after.. failing my units –> inability to graduate at year-end?
Aware that I should never think too much.

Nevertheless, I find it pretty difficult to concentrate on revision at the moment. At one point today, I realised that ‘there’s no longer a point to continue on living’.
My very first time having this thought!
So many pressures from ppl around me. Whatever that I get my head/self into doing, I get scrutinized for all sorts of reasons that ppl could come up with. Hence, at times in (my) life it ain’t all only about “what I want to do”, but somehow it highly co-relates with what others’ expectations are of me!!

. . till the day they see you fall, they would then start laughing .

At this point, I’m sick and tired! also I no longer could differentiate between what’s right and wrong to do in life. esp after life-changing experiences from living in the past few years. As I grow up, I tend to see things in/from different perspectives; though most are horrifically shocking facts, but yet ..
unsure when will I ever accept them as reality .

Since I’m at a point of confusion myself, I’m never good enough (for myself) once again; always .. 
never been good enough   

just came home from being OUT the whole day with long-lost RMIT year 1 best buddy; Wei li Leong.
Glad that we finally made it after the whole month of scheduling and organising the day-out! couldn’t believe that this buddy of mine is sincere enough to wanting to meet-up again after losing contact for the past 3 years (since I left for Monash thereafter).

Not to mention that both Ramli, Zack (our AFA tutor) and myself left Golden Monkey bar by 3am (their closing time) and arrived home, slept around 4am ++ last night.

Yet, the need to rush to attend Sylvia and Joseph Boey’s housewarming party immediately after meet-up with ex-uni mate. Tho’ this mean I had to flung TAPAS NIGHT with Sha, Anuar and fellow friends down at QV. Damn, felt pretty bad as I could not part myself to two events at the SAME time! hence gotta choose between one.
Headed down tgt with Alex, Yang & Fang. It was all great fun! Nice place and had shots again (after playing the game: BOMB).

The three of them admitted that ‘after so long of not getting exposed to alcohol, they could not take it’. Faces were pretty red, couldn’t walk straight but yet each gotta head home safely.
On my end, since I’ve puked my dinner out last Friday; had hang-over the next day. And cocktail night w fellow uni mates at GM, in city y’dae.
Tho’ could still handle today’s but all I can think of was ‘him‘; only HIM, and that i would wish to whisper ‘baby, I *heart* you’ in his ears.

but then again, I think I should forget about it all.. Move on, and GET OVER it asap!

Exam revision gotta start from tmr! 1 week more to go till 1st paper.

Wish me best of luck.

At times , 
I wish things could turn out alil better, but on the other hand I figured  
“sometimes the person you want the most, might be the person you are best without“ ..